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Little Things

There are so many things in life that we are not happy about, not satisfied with.

Today I accompanied my grandmomo for her physiotherapy session at SGH and I’ve observed my unknown source of frustration overwhelmed me the whole trip.

I have absolutely no idea where my frustration origins from. I was JUST. FRUSTRATED.

I get mad at my grandmomo for crossing at  a roundabout…without checking for ongoing cars. I shouted at her, ” POPO! Stop crossing the roads LIKE THAT“.. I was CLEARLY very mad.

After her physiotherapy, she wanted to wait for shuttle bus. I got MAD AGAIN. I told her, ” wahlao, queue so long, wait until our turn we already reach the mrt liao (if we walked)” We waited for 15 minutes or so…..

While I rested, the whole frustration scene keep replaying in my mind. I was overwhelmed with guilt, I could literally feel the guilt eating me up giving me the goosebumps.

I guess I was just being an asshole.

I felt really terrible. I love my grandmoma SO MUCH. Everyone who knows me knows how important she is to me. Yet how i treated her today, totally couldn’t speak for how much I loved her. I’m sorry grandma.

I will be extra mindful of my actions. I love you popo, so so much.

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Indifferent

Whether you love or you hate… they are feelings. Which also means you care.

You care. I care. She cares. He cares. They care.

Care — is a word which a lot fear .

When you broke up with someone, you hated them, you want them to feel your hatred. And by doing things to show that you hate actually just means that you still care

However, you just want to live in delusion BELIEVING that “NO, I DONT care, I HATE”

Who are you trying to kid that you don’t care? It’s because you care, you hate. Feelings…

I’m blogging this right now because I was just clearing the inbox of my old emails and realized that my dad sent quite a lot mails and also reminders of his birthday just 2 weeks ago.

And how did i feel?

Honestly, i felt nothing.

That I think is the scariest part of all. I literally felt nothing. Like it doesnt matter to me anymore.

I haven’t been in contact with him for two solid years. Maybe during this period of time i shut myself away from this nonsense, which is why right now, he’s just another stranger to me.

Don’t get me wrong here. I know it’s not right, he’s my dad afterall. Frankly speaking, there’s no need for me to explain it clearly here. And please don’t tell me ” Whatever wrong he did, he deserves a second chance”. Do you give murderers second chance? No. Why? For fear of them acting and kill, right?? Analogy there.

Just a weird post.

Freedom….comes with GREAT…….?

….great….responsibility….

Cliche..but true! I do not know what’s going on other people’s lives…. but I do know what’s going on in mine.

I’m an Asian…I grew up with Tiger Grandparents, not mom. I remember when I was in primary school, I had to go home once I finished school. Going out with friends after school was NEVER ONCE on my list. Though I remember, I lied to my grandma one afternoon after school that I will be having an “urgent remedial” and had to stay till evening. She believed me, of course.. And I stayed in school to play hopscotch with friends. That was a luxury then. I enjoyed staying out of house and I continued that lie UNTIL    the end of the year where my grandma found out thru the parent-teacher meeting session that I lied about having remedial every week. Since then, my gandma got suspicious of me everytime i told i will be having remedial every week unless i bring home those consent forms for my mom to sign to PROVE that i REALLY have remedial -.-

Speaking of my mom, yeah, she doesn’t play an important role in disciplining me. It’s all the job of my grandparents. If i EVER failed a subject….i’d run to my mom and BEGGED her not to tell my grandparents and made her sign the paper and if she DOESNT, i will stuff the test paper under my bed and pretend that it’s eaten up by dogs. 

So back to story, my grandma was really strict to me. She used those really tiger moms’ methods to discipline me. So, after that incident..i know i had to be a good girl and “earn” the trust back.

I took literally a good 4 years to “earn” back the trust. The first time I was able to go out for lunch with my friends at ChinaTown was when i was secondary 2. I remember so clearly how I felt that day. I was chancing and just asked candidly if i could go out and have lunch with my friends just a few bus stops away from school…and i will return home as soon as im done. Like… you gotta promise something you will do after receiving the treat. That was the start of having freedom.

I cherished every moment out with friends lest I lose the chance of doing so.

Then I started working in a childcare center. Life wasn’t fantastic at that moment. Nobody thinks you have the ability to work when you’re 14, they think you can only work in Macdonalds or KFC as server.So the first year was…S-H-I-T. I had to sweep the floor, clean the toys, disinfect the mats, take out the sleeping mats and stuffs like that. It was basically a sai-kang job. hahha. I started to earn money….and being a 14 year old, i gave all the money I earned to my grandma. I think it was because of that action, my grandma felt kinda 欣慰 that at least I dint turn out to be ah lian. hahaaha.

And one day, my grandma had a talk with me. She said something along this line — do things only when you know you can bear the consequences whether it’s good or bad. — Never turned back since that sentence.

And now, based in beijing for my studies….my grandparents are better to me. hahaha. okay, i mean, they love me and not that they are bad to me….i just meant…..they are less strict. or maybe…..cus they are a lot older now…. 很多事情都看开了….

Looking back to those times when i got caned and had to go to school with cane marks on my calves for weeks, the grudges I had then has vanished and whats left is gratitude towards my grandparents. Those experiences were painful …and even awful to think about sometimes, yet they are what make me today.

I do not sit with my legs opened ‘cus my grandpa will cane and/or slap my knees.

I do not slurp when i eat ‘cus my grandpa will TSK and stare at me and if i dont get him, i get the real deal of getting scolded at the dinner table.

I do not put my elbow on the dinner table because that’s a sign of disrespectful…

etc etc etc

and when i see other people doing those stuffs , i smiled and thank God that my grandpa taught me the right things if not i would be looking/sounding like those uncouth people.

my family. dysfunctional. different from others…but still awesome.

end of post! and ….没有重点. HAHAHAHA

X KEEKZ